His story/Her story: “My husband does not like sharing anything”

Her story: We have been married for 5 years now. We have a 3-year-old daughter too. We have seen so much together by now and stuck together but one thing that still irks me is that he does not like sharing anything. Not only food, it is everything. Be it a simple face wash, some space in his wardrobe, comb, or anything under the son. Not just with me, but when my daughter or his own mother touches his belongings, he blasts as if we asked for his kidney.I have still learned to live with it, but it embarrasses me when he does that in front of my side of the family. Everyone looks at me as if I have married a monster. Otherwise, he is a beautiful person but when it comes to sharing, it is another person I deal with. What do I do in this situation? I sometimes break down when that Hulk in him comes out. He becomes dreadful.
His story: I love the people I have in my life including my baby girl. I have no issues with anyone. My only problem is in general, that I do not like anyone touching my belongings. My wife feels I go overboard, which has been true sometimes because I flip. But the truth is, I faced something traumatic in the past which surfaces every time someone touches my things. My father was an abusive man and he did so many things that scarred me for life. Should I take treatment for the same? Should I tell my wife about this? I worry that she may not support me because she has never seen that vulnerable side of me. I have always been a strong man but this will open my can of worms. Please suggest what to do. I don’t like hurting my loved ones over such a small matter (according to them).
Response by Vishal Bhardwaj, Founder, and Relationship Coach at Predictions for Success
Sharing things among our loved ones helps to increase interaction and build a healthy bond among members. It helps to create a sense of belongingness, increased happiness and satisfaction. But there could be a situation with someone, where the person doesn’t allow others to enter their personal space or use their belongings. Rather than calling that person rude or impolite, we need to look at the whole situation and find the root cause of the problem.
For Him
Sharing things with your spouse is essential for intimacy and closeness. As you mentioned you love your family and your daughter. And you don't have any issues with anyone. But still, you have a hard time when your people touch any of your belongings. It is because of your past experiences you have mentioned. You had a traumatic childhood in which you experienced feelings of fear and danger as led by your abusive father. It could be possible that you must have experienced physical abuse too. All these events in your childhood have landed you in a situation where you have stress and anxiety related to that trauma. It is a situation in which the person may re-experience the trauma in their mind over and over again.
This situation may lead to feelings of depression, anxiety, anger, and aggression, which may in turn lead to emotional and behavioral issues. The current situation which you have been experiencing for quite some time is a clear symptom of obsession. It is characterised by unreasonable thoughts and fears (obsessions) that lead to compulsive behaviors. Its symptoms vary from person to person. In your situation, you have obsessive thoughts related to not letting other people touch your belongings and when someone does that, it causes a sudden rush of anxiety or tension in your head. To ease that anxiety, you try to protect your things more and more. And this cycle continues and creates more anxiety and sadness. You need to understand that your family loves you a lot, especially your wife.
Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. You should discuss this matter with her so that she can get the insight into this whole situation. communication should be in a way that is respectful, constructive, and productive. Sharing problems with loved ones is not a sign of weakness. And you should definitely consult a professional for the same. A professional can provide a safe and confidential space to discuss issues without fear of judgment or stigma. It will help you understand the whole situation and work together to find solutions to the problems you are facing, so that you can lead a happy life with your family.
For her
Marriage can offer wonderful benefits for well-being and life satisfaction, but no relationship is without its challenges. You have been happily married for 5 yrs and you have a daughter too. As you mentioned your husband has been going through a situation. Whenever anyone in the family touches your husband's belongings, he reacts in a weird way, which sometimes embarrasses you a lot. I know you are worried for him and your feelings are hurt, as this has created an environment of stress in the family. You need to understand that there must be a cause behind his weird behaviour and he might be struggling with some problem in his mind. Society expects the man to always remain strong and not be vulnerable.
This could be the reason that he is not sharing his feelings with you and he is struggling with his problem on his own. Partners need to feel understood by each other to feel bonded with each other. They feel valued, heard and seen by their partner. Being his life partner, it becomes your responsibility to make him comfortable and try to gain knowledge about his problem. You can also ask him if he needs any professional help. Once he gains trust in you and becomes comfortable sharing all his emotions and problems with you, you can consult a professional for his problem and collectively find an effective solution. You need to support each other emotionally and in everyday ways. You, your spouse, and your relationship may grow and change with time.
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